Ears

Was happily doing my work, when it came into my mind to go on the great evil that is... Wikipedia.

In my defense, I was simply doing my work, and in its defense, it really isn't evil. However, when you start clicking tabs, more and more things surface in your mind and you get an insatiable desire to CLICK EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.

...no? Okay, it's just me, move on.

In any case, I was reminded of jack'al.

So I Googled him for fun, and went to visit his blog. And I realised that he's been posting so infrequently and has so little tags that my old tag from 2007 is still there, in the viewable archives. Whoo, haha, it's good to know I'm leaving a little imprint on someone else's blog.

But anyway. I reread some of his latest posts. Nothing in and of itself bad, but yeah. Just got that sinking feeling again.

We used to be closer, but never that close. Small E was much, much closer, they'd talk and joke and crap a lot together haha. Not that I minded, I mean, who can blame you for having friends? And Small E and I were pretty close last time too. Good times, good times.

Recently because of issues... partially brought about by me, I'm still inclined to believe - I no longer had the time to spend that much time with them. Inevitably this led to a breakdown in communications and such, and yeah. Our relationships, which were... "okay" to begin with, started to grow colder.

Now I'm not saying anything bad here. I have nothing but the most awesome respect for jack'al and Small E. But I'm just saying that I miss the old days. When we could make fun of jack'al drinking eggs out of a cup. (That still freaks me out.)

Just today jack'al MSNed me. Laughed at my MSN pm, worried that I was emo. I pointed out I wasn't emo, and that his pm was more emo than mine. It was funny, really, we had what, a good 3-5min conversation. And this week he MSNed me while he was on the job, haha. Had his laptop set up and all, and was bored. I was amused, but above all touched that he decided to stop by and chat.

You see, unlike him, I never really made the leap. jack'al and Small E have - for the lack of a better term - immersed themselves in their work. I've long ago identified when they were in that zone, that aura, where I learned not to disturb them or even ask them questions that were not absolutely necessary - because they'd be concentrating 110%. I still admire that, and find it awesome - if a little creepy.

On the other hand, I'm not in it. And yet again, I'm not out of it. I'm suspended in limbo, in between, neither fully buried in what we're doing and yet not out of the loop entirely, stuck watching them rather enviously beside the mixer with ears that seem to be failing me, well before I hit old age.

Remember that time I posted about a certain guy saying "hi" to me? I was awestruck that he actually recognized me. Yup.

I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong! ... In fact. They are awesome friends, awesome persons in and of themselves, and through them I learnt a lot, met a lot of great people, talked, laughed (but never cried. Yet.)

It's like... half-losing contact with your good friends? There's no hard feelings (well, not on my side, at any rate) but things just aren't the same.
It's like this - they're like Sennheiser and Shure
Made of sheer pwn
and I'm the cheap headphones I bought a while back
the right side went deaf and the left one distorted
Last Saturday we got together. Small E cracked a lame joke. We all laughed. Like we used to.
Everything else is changing.

---

And if you've actually read through that, I don't know whether to congratulate your or to scratch my head.
I must thank you though for reading through that... more emotive post.
I've been meaning to do it for quite some time, just that I couldn't seem to put thoughts to words.

Rest assured there won't be much else of such things, but today's an exception.

Why am I even doing this? jack'al's only visited once, and MJ knows only my old blog. (It was REALLY embarassing when they dropped by...)
I guess I'll just need this as a place to spill my emotions, an archive.